Movie-addict

I discovered that movie can be a total addiction. By this I do not mean to love to go to the movies, but that to fall for certain movies and to have to watch them repeatedly. It’s a mental illness, I confess, that especially occurs when I’m down or lost. My mind drifts away with memories and a familiar movie is the only thing that brings me back to reality.

The sickness first occurred when I dumped my ex-bf. Although I played the bad guy and said goodbye, the harm seemed to back fired and I missed him terribly. On this one day, I could hardly swallow my meal because of the usual ache in heart when I spotted the DVD, “Legally Blonde,” he gave to me before we broke up. I started to watch and was immediately attracted to the independent and pretty leading female character. She burnt from head to toe to get into Harvard law school only to find her boyfriend engaged. However, she managed to overcome the difficulties on school works and graduate with honor.

The thing is, I just got into graduate school at that time and was having trouble adjusting to the conservative and even hostile atmosphere (no detail should be mentioned here, though). The film somehow eased my nerves and I gained confidence to face the world out there. For a while since then, I had watched the movie several times a day until I could memorize and sometimes imitate all the lines and actions in it. I noticed how sick I was but I couldn’t stop.

The syndrome had last for almost half a year, and I saw “Bridget Jones Diary.” Again I was obsessed but this time less severe. I admire the courage of this fat and very ordinary girl who finds her true love: a rigid but sincere man. By chance this man, played by British actor Colin Firth, bares resemblance to a man I secretly fanaticize. As a result, I started watching the film tirelessly even till today.

Anyway, love is my poison and film is my drug. I wonder if I shall ever recover! The point is, gentlemen, that I might never want to.

陽光下的誘惑

Lolita: a rosy thorn

那天陽光灑落花園的一角，她在噴水器旁邊閱讀，一身濕透的純真。我瞧見她…那一刻是宿命、是執著、是迷戀，我貪婪地嚥下她處女的香氣，她已經屬於我。日記式的獨白，凸顯我名字重複反射的自戀，我不能忘記水珠低落她耳朵的聲音，許多時刻，我是守著那份嬌滴活著。我娶了她的母親，為的只是能更接近她。她很清楚，所以故意用口香糖黏住我的日記、車子、心，但就是不黏住我的人。渴望是殘忍的，她母親死於我的不貞，但我無法不開心，因為從此之後，她是我的女兒，我的禁臠。

不！她不能夠離開！她偷情著，我怎可能不知？但我縱容她，只要她將手指滑過我久未發情的雙腿，或以鮮紅的唇舔過我無知覺的胸膛。我要她，我要給她一切。前提是，她不能跟我拿，只能我給。所以，她生氣了，逃跑了，我瘋了。多年之後我才肯面對她背叛的原因，愛，愛上他。殺死他是必須的，只是然後呢？她再也不快樂了，我也不快樂了。我死於獄中，她死於難產，一切卻沒有結束。

沒有辦法不去想，在愛與慾之後，被糟蹋的到底是什麼？是年輕女孩的身體？還是老朽男人的心靈？Lolita是戀女的符碼，錯誤，一觸即發。死而不滅，是那瑩鈴般的笑聲，繼續環繞著、環繞著。忽然意識到影片和自己生活的相似性，女孩是我，男人是他。他深愛他想像中的我，我憐憫不由自主的他。情人節的夜，沒有什麼高尚，倒是回憶起不潔和欺騙。啊～Lolita～